I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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