You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
