So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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