before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
