No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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