everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
