Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
