Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
