he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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