you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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