She said her name was "party"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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