Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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