I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
