My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
