I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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