I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
