My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
