Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
