I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
