your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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