i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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