I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
