Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
