false alarm. still invincible.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
