I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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