Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Randomize
