Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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