Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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