nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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