woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
