In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
