I can't watch pbs sober anymore
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
