I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
