Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
