"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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