well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
