I want to stick my p in your. b.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
