Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
