I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
