I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell