So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
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her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
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I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica