i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.