he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
