I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.