my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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