I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
