I haven't been this sober since birth.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"