I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.