dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
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The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
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It happened again.
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.