now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.