My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
