You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I want you more than these girls want KFC
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
