I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
