The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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