remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
