Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
