My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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