my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
