You're my little dorito
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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