I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
