I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
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I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
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Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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