your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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