My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
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Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
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drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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