I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
