nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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