wakey wakey hands off snakey
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
