At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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