Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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