my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I want her autograph on my taint
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
