It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
